The One Where Monica Gets a New Roomate (The Pilot- The Uncut Version)Written by: Marta Kauffman & David Crane. Transcribed by: guineapig. Additional transcribing by: Eric Aasen(Note: The previously unseen parts of this episode are shown in blue text.)! He's just some guy. I work with! Joey: C'mon, you're going out with the guy! There's. gotta be something wrong with him! Chandler: All right Joey, be. A hump and a hairpiece? Phoebe: Wait, does he eat chalk?(They all stare, bemused.)Phoebe: Just, 'cause, I don't want her to go through. I went through with Carl- oh! Monica: Okay, everybody relax. This is not even a. It's just two people going out to dinner and- not having sex. Chandler: Sounds like a date to me. Had that dream. Chandler: Then I look down, and I realize there's a. Monica: And they weren't looking at. Chandler: Finally, I figure. I'd better answer it, and it turns out it's my mother. Joey: Ohh. Monica: (to Ross) Let me get you some coffee. Ross: Thanks. Phoebe: Ooh! Stop cleansing my aura! No, just. leave my aura alone, okay? Phoebe: Fine! Really, everyone. I hope she'll be very happy. Monica: No you don't. Ross: No I don't, to hell with her, she left me! Joey: And you never knew she was a lesbian.. Ross: No!! Why does everyone keep fixating on. She didn't know, how should I know? Chandler: Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian.. You're feeling a lot of. You're angry. You're hurting. Can I tell you what the answer is?(Ross gestures his consent.)Joey: Strip joint! C'mon, you're single! Have some. hormones! Ross: I don't want to be single, okay? I. just- I just wanna be married again!(Rachel enters in a wet wedding dress and starts to search. Helen Mirren in a scene from Caligula. An uncut version of the 1970s film is set to make its way on to the High Street after censorship was lifted. The One Where Monica Gets a New Roommate (The Pilot-The Uncut Version). Dedication: I wrote this one for an intimate friend. I hope you all enjoy. Everyone in the story is over 18. Some of you may read this. Watch top rated UNCUT porn tube movies for FREE! Hottest video: Handjob uncut. See Shopping List: Recent Releases : The Reckoning is a 1969 UK drama by Jack Gold. Starring Nicol Williamson, Ann Bell and Lilita De Barros. UK: Passed 12 uncut for.Chandler: And I just want a million dollars! I just went to. your building and you weren't there and then this guy with a big hammer said you might be. Waitress: Can I get you some coffee? Monica: (pointing at Rachel) De- caff. Rachel: Hi, sure! Ross: Hi. I was in the room where we were keeping all the presents, and I was. This really gorgeous Lamauge gravy boat. When all of a sudden- . Sweet 'n' Lo?- I realized that I was more turned. Barry! And then I got really freaked out, and that's when it. Barry looks like Mr. Potato Head. Y'know, I mean, I always knew looked. Anyway, I just had to get out of there, and I started wondering 'Why am I. I doing this for?'. Chandler: (imitating the characters). Tuna or egg salad? I can't marry. him! I just don't love him. Well, it matters to me! Joey: I say push her down the stairs. Phoebe, Ross, Chandler, and Joey. Push her down the stairs! Push her down the stairs! Push her down the stairs!(She is pushed down the stairs and everyone cheers.)Rachel: C'mon Daddy, listen to me! It's like, it's. like, all of my life, everyone has always told me, 'You're a shoe! You're a shoe, you're a. And today I just stopped and I said, 'What if I don't wanna be a. What if I wanna be a- a purse, y'know? Or a- or a hat! No, I'm not saying I want you. I'm saying I am a ha- It's a metaphor, Daddy! Ross: You can see where he'd have trouble. Rachel: Look Daddy, it's my life. Well maybe I'll. just stay here with Monica. Monica: Well, I guess we've established who's. Monica.. Rachel: Well, maybe that's my decision. Well, maybe. I don't need your money. Wait, I said maybe!! Just try. to think of nice calm things.. Phoebe: (sings) Raindrops on roses and rabbits and. Rachel and Monica turn to look at her.) bluebells and sleighbells and- something. La la la la.. something and noodles with. Independence. Taking control of your life. Me and Chandler live across the hall. And he's away a lot. Monica: Joey, stop hitting on her! It's her wedding. Joey: What, like there's a rule or something?(The door buzzer sounds and Chandler gets it.)Chandler: Please don't do that again, it's a. Paul: (over the intercom) It's, uh. Paul. Monica: Oh God, is it. Your 'not a real. Paul the Wine Guy? Ross: He finally asked you out? Monica: Yes! Chandler: Ooh, this is a Dear Diary moment. Monica: Rach, wait, I can cancel.. Rachel: Please, no, go, that'd be fine! Monica: (to Ross) Are, are you okay? I mean, do you. want me to stay? Tabtight professional, free when you need it, VPN service. Here's the short version: Back when he was Bird-dogger in Chief, John F. Kennedy spotted a future conquest on the arm of some Swedish diplomat or general during a. Ross: (choked voice) That'd be good.. Monica: (horrified) Really? Ross: (normal voice) No, go on! It's Paul the Wine. Guy! Phoebe: What does that mean? Paul, this is. The Wine Guy! Hey! Chandler: I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name. Paul. was it? Monica: Okay, umm- umm, I'll. I'll be right back, I just gotta go ah, go ah.. Ross: A wandering? Monica: Change! That. Monica goes to change.)Joey: Hey, Paul! Paul: Yeah? Joey: Here's a little tip, she. Monica: (yelling from the bedroom). Shut up, Joey! Ross: So Rachel, what're you, uh.. No, no, although, Aruba, this time of year.. Anyway, if you don't feel like being alone tonight, Joey and Chandler are. Chandler: (deadpan) Yes, and we're very excited. Rachel: Well actually thanks, but I think I'm just. I have no brackety thing, I see no whim guys whatsoever and- I cannot feel my legs.(Joey and Chandler are finishing assembling. Joey: I'm thinking we've got a. Chandler: It's a beautiful thing. Joey: (picking up a leftover part) What's this? Chandler: I would have to. L'- shaped bracket. Joey: Which goes where? Chandler: I have no. Joey checks that Ross is not looking and dumps it in a. Joey: Done with the bookcase! Chandler: All finished! Ross: (clutching a beer can and sniffing) This was. Carol's favorite beer. She always drank it out of the can, I should have known. Joey: Hey- hey- hey- hey, if you're. Chandler: Yes, please don't spoil. Joey: Ross, let me ask you a question. She got the. furniture, the stereo, the good TV- what did you get? Ross: You guys. Chandler: Oh, God. Joey: You got screwed. Chandler: Oh my God! I guess I. should have caught on when she started going to the dentist four and five times a week. I. mean, how clean can teeth get? Monica: My brother's going through that right now. How did you get through it? Paul: Well, you might try accidentally breaking. Monica: - leg? Paul: (laughing) That's one way! Me, I- I went for. Monica: You actually broke her watch? I am so sorry.. I know. I said the other day about you making love. Barry Finkel. but it isn't me, it's not me. What if. there's only one woman for everybody, y'know? I mean what if you get one woman- and that's. Unfortunately in my case, there was only one woman- for her.. Joey: What are you talking about? Lemme tell you something. Ross. There's lots of flavors out there. There's Rocky Road, and Cookie Dough, and Bing! You could get 'em with Jimmies, or nuts, or whipped cream! This is the. best thing that ever happened to you! You got married, you were, like, what, eight? Grab a spoon! Ross: I honestly don't know if I'm hungry or horny. Chandler: Stay out of my freezer! What, you wanna spell it out with. Paul: No, it's, it's more of a fifth date kinda. Monica: Oh, so there is gonna be a fifth date? Paul: Isn't there? Monica: Yeah.. Monica: (spitting out her drink in shock) Oh God, oh. God, I am sorry.. I am so sorry.. Paul: It's okay.. Monica: I know being spit on is probably not what. I'm- I'm- I'm glad you smashed her watch! Yeah, I do. That's. Do you know how long. I've grabbed a spoon? Do the words 'Billy, don't be a hero' mean anything. Joey: Great story! Even if I could get. I mean, I have never. Chandler: That is amazing. Joey: Congratulations. Rachel: Y'know, I figure if I can. I can't do. Chandler: If can invade Poland. I can't do. Joey: Listen, while you're on a roll, if you feel. Western omelet or something.. Good morning. Paul: (entering from Monica's room). Morning. Joey: Morning, Paul. Rachel: Hello, Paul. Chandler: Hi, Paul, is it?(Monica and Paul walk to the door and talk in a low voice. What the hell do you. Monica: Shut up, and put my table back. All: Okayyy! If I. Rachel: So, like, you guys all have jobs? Monica: Yeah, we all have jobs. See, that's how we. Joey: Yeah, I'm an actor. Rachel: Wow! Would I have seen you in anything? Joey: I doubt it. Mostly regional work. Monica: Oh wait, wait, unless you happened to catch. Reruns' production of Pinocchio, at the little theater in the. Joey: Look, it was a job all right? Chandler: 'Look, Gippetto, I'm a real live boy.'Joey: I will not take this abuse. Did you sleep okay? I can't stop smiling. Rachel: I can see that. You look like you slept with. Monica: I know, he's just so, so.. Do you remember. you and Tony De. Marco? Rachel: Oh, yeah. Monica: Well, it's like that. With feelings. Rachel: Oh wow. Are you in trouble. Monica: Big time! Rachel: Want a wedding dress? I am just going to get up, go to work. Or else I'm just gonna get up and go to work. Rachel: Oh, look, wish me luck! Monica: What for? Rachel: I'm gonna go get one of those (Thinks) job. Monica exits.)! Monica: Hey Frannie, welcome back! How was Florida? Frannie: You had sex, didn't you? Monica: How do you do that? Frannie: Oh, I hate you, I'm pushing my Aunt Roz through. Parrot Jungle and you're having sex! Monica: You know Paul? Frannie: Paul the Wine Guy? Oh yeah, I know Paul. Monica: You mean you know Paul like I know Paul? Frannie: Are you kidding? I take credit for Paul. Y'know before me, there was no. Monica: Why?! Why, why would anybody do something like that? Ross: I assume we're looking for an answer more sophisticated than 'to get you. Monica: I hate men! Is it like I have some sort of. Phoebe: All right, c'mere, gimme your feet. Joey: (bursts out laughing again) I can't believe you didn't know it was a line! Ross: You got a job? Rachel: Are you kidding? I'm trained for nothing! I was laughed out of twelve. Chandler: And yet you're surprisingly upbeat. Rachel: You would be too if you found John and David boots on sale, fifty. Chandler: Oh, how well you know me.. Rachel: They're my new 'I don't need a job, I don't need my parents, I've got. Monica: How'd you pay for them? Rachel: Uh, credit card. Monica: And who pays for that? Rachel: Um.. Rachel: I know that. That's why I was getting married. Phoebe: Give her a break, it's hard being on your own for the first time. Rachel: Thank you. Phoebe: You're welcome. I remember when I first came to this city.
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